I am fourteen years old and three conditions, all of which most people know about. I have Gender Dysphoria (Meaning I wish to be the opposite sex; female. It’s also known as GID or gender identity disorder), I'm bisexual and lastly I'm quite paranoid. (Induced by, I think, the fact that I'm always so worried that someone will find out that I am a Transsexual)

This is an autobiography of my life, as well as I can remember it, but in the interests of people’s privacy, I won’t mention their names, you won’t even know the town, or even country in which we live. Without further ado, here is my story. The story of Emily Kauber.

Prelude

GID (Gender Identity Disorder) is a disorder in which the individual sees themselves as being born with the incorrect biological sex, such as a male who thinks that they should have been born female or vice versa. A leading theory on why it is caused is through a lack of a female figure in a child’s life and the male figure being hostile towards other females or vice versa for children born male.

I suppose to start with, you need to know why I am who I am today. Much research has been done on GID and there are many theories as to why it is caused. I believe in one theory, because I am a living example of it; my life has gone pretty much as it says, here is what happened so many years ago, and that caused these events in my life.

Its December 2000, me, my Mum, my Dad and my brother are in Ireland; we are visiting my Dads mother and his other immediate family and staying with them for Christmas. My Dad was a carpenter and took jobs whenever he could. He had taken one a month or two before, fixing someone’s roof; I believe it was replacing one of the wooden struts in the roof; he and a college were doing their thing, and were carrying the new beam into place. Apparently my Dad hit his head on one of the inner beams, and they probably had a good joke about it.

It must be about a week before Christmas, my Mum and Brother are out getting Christmas shopping; my dad has taken me into a local pub to watch Ireland play a football game. –Do you know how sometimes a memory can be so great or so terrible that it engraves itself into your mind, it roots itself so deep that you could never get rid of it? This is one of those memories- My Dad is sitting on a stool, with his pint of Guinness, I am sitting next to him with a fruit shoot (I was only four at the time). Ireland must have scored because everyone is cheering. Suddenly my Dad falls backwards off his stool, people shout “Whey!” but when they see he has stopped moving, they get worried. This memory is so deeply engraved in me; I could tell you the colour of the wood of the counter or of the walls (woody red and lime green if you were wondering). I'm just sitting there. Not moving. Just staring. Not knowing what has happened.

I don’t remember much after that, but the next thing I can remember it is the 24th, Christmas Eve. I'm standing next to my Dad, lying in a bed in hospital, eyes closed and not moving but conscious. He can hear what we’re saying though, Mum, my brother and me. This is another memory that I can remember because it is part of what made me. It is important to me. I’m standing next to my Dad’s head, crying. Just crying. Crying because my dad was dying and there is not one thing I can do about it. It was a Brain haemorrhage, the doctors tell my Mum. If they had caught it earlier they could have fixed it. He could have lived. One small knock to his head and he is dying. They laughed about it then but neither knew of the consequences later on; consequences for both of us.

He dies later tonight. On the 24th of December, Christmas Eve, Year 2000, my Father dies.

And so we come to the present, December. Up until the 19th where diary entries will take over my story and tell you about the writing of it.

Right, during December I have done many more videos for TheQueerUnion and have made many more friends….and not much else really XD.

19/12/10 – 1/1/11

19/12/10 - Sunday

Tonight is the night that I stared this. I think I started typing at about 19:30. As I type these words I am listening to all the sad songs that I could find on my computer. This was originally going to just be a diary. Just so I could talk about being an MTF openly, even if it’s not to anyone. Just typing it up makes me feel so much better. I decided to type it out as a story though. Just so you, the audience, could know my story. Some of yourselves might have GID just like me, and you might know of my pain.

A friend off YouTube commissioned a website off of me today, made a lot of progress with it. If you have watched some of TheQueerUnion’s video’s then you will know that one member did something around in his local community, he asked people to write a secret of theirs on a piece of paper anonymously, he then read them out while he was video logging. I'm doing a website that does just that but instead of being on paper, it’s online. When it’s all finished I will tell you the link so you can check it out.

20:01
I have nearly finished chapter 1, its taking longer than I hoped. Reminiscing about my past is getting to me. I can usually talk about the subject openly and not be bothered by it. But delving into it and remembering every last detail I can for you kind people, it is getting to me more than I would care to admit. And yet it’s good. I haven’t thought about it much for a long time. It’s about time I grieved a little for a lost father and the lost life that I could have had, one that might have been normal.

20:18
Finished Chapter 1. It took me so long to decide on the last line. I'm gonna’ finish this, I’ve got to. Something’s you have to do and this I will do.

20/12/10 – Monday

The website is going great, churning through it. My internet browser died on me though so I lost two whole pages of unsaved work, so that’s a big setback but y’know…

19:56
Decided to continue tonight after playing some games. Already a bit tired so I might not be writing for too long.

20:16
Making some headway, cold in the room I'm in, trying to keep warm lol. The people on Trevor Space are good people, if you haven’t checked it out yet, you should. Even if you are straight but are an ally of the GLBT community, you should have a look. There are plenty straight people on there; it’s a great place to make friends.

20:34
Took a five minute tea break to get some sugar and energy into my system, I'm gonna write for as long as I can

21/12/10 – Tuesday

I forgot to enter a last log before I stopped writing yesterday, sorry. I wrote until about 22:00 but then I went to bed, I’m getting tired quicker lately, I get into bed and lie there for hours or read until I manage to fall asleep. The time is 21:21 and I'm gonna write for at least half an hour.

Earlier I thought about coming out to my mum at that exact moment, it was probably one of the best chances I will ever get, I felt very brave and was almost ready to walk up to her and tell her. But I didn’t. Yet again I chickened out before I did. I really need to brave up.

21:45
Tired, no point in going to bed.

22:34
being forced to bed…night all.

23/12/10 - Thursday

I didn’t write any last night. I have a good reason though… guess what it is…? Well…? Oh! I’ll tell you if I must ;D I came out to my mum O: omg! I know! It’s good! Very, very good! She was fine with it and she spent about 30 mins with me asking me questions lol. It was surprisingly impulsive, I was gonna come out to the daughter of a family friend, we’re good mates and I was sure she would take it well (she lives in New Zealand btw) but she logged of msn before I could tell her. I don’t know if I was still riled and ready to come out to someone but I just felt slightly brave and was like to someone else on msn who I'm out to, I was like “should I come out to my mum?” and she was like “Do it!”……..so I did it :D. When I come out to people I show them a video called “Gender dysphoira project” and it’s also by xQUEERKIDx and it shows the difficulty that we transgender folk go through. I showed my mum it and after it had finished I looked at her and said….”Mum… I'm transgender.” And away she went, asking me questions and stuff (my brother wasn’t in the house at the time and he still doesn’t know). But I feel so much better for coming out to her; it feels as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Although I'm still apprehensive for some reason, it’s much better. When my brother is out of the house I can be myself openly. Anyway, it’s time to finish chapter 3. (:

Also, we put the xmas decorations up today, a little late I know but we just haven’t had the time lol…says me sitting here for ages typing things up for you to read.

19:51
I finished chapter 3 there wasn’t really very much to write in it as I'm sure you have read XD. There isn’t really very much to write now, I suppose its all done apart from my diary entries tomorrow and on xmas day, I will tell you all about it lol. I might play some COD Black Ops… or Halo Reach….? Halo is better as I'm sure you all know ;D and yes, I do like gaming, it’s fun and it helps me forget about my life…that sounds worse than I intend lol. Actually I'm going to play Shadow of the Colossus on PS2, comment if you like it! It rules!!!

This is Em, signing out.

24/12/10

A decade since dad died…

25/12/10

MERRY XMAS!!

List of things I got (that i can remember/ are worth remembering rofl):

One Trilby (grey – I like it)
One Scarf (red, cream, brown, grey and black – I love it :D)
Fable 3
New shirt (quite masculine ): )
Combat trousers (quite masculine ): )
Mp3 player (I needed one badly)
A 4gb memory stick
Chocolates
£10 off of an aunt
Lynx Deodorant (Dark temptation, smells so sexy :P)

Not the most feminine of gifts sadly but I only told my mum about three days before today so I doubt she could take back all of the presents and get new ones :

Anyway, I'm going to go get some more chocolate and put some more music on my Mp3, cya (;

30/12/10

I haven’t updated for near a week, I won’t even pretend that I didn’t have time…I completely forgot! Lol. Only some of you might understand what I mean when I say that my forearms aren’t faring too well. And for those who don’t understand; a pair of compasses does that to them. Its quite ironic because I used to think that only idiots self-harmed (if you didn’t get it the first time) but now I know why people do it. They, or rather we, do it because when your mind is full with the thought of physical pain then there isn’t much room for emotional pain (which is the worse of the two) and other such thought. I'm not even very unhappy; it just makes things easier to deal with, because I'm not thinking about it, it’s like it doesn’t exist. It’s impossible to get out of my mind normally but pain seems to help it, as crazy as it sounds. It just basically makes me feel normal for a short amount of time, I don’t have all of my usual thoughts occupying my mind, and it is blissful. My arm has lots of red lines on that are in various stages of fading and I am feeling a little exasperated, maybe a little tired too. But I'm going to do some art; art is my release other than pain.

31/12/10

Ah, new years eve, revelling in the fun, watching TV and drinking alcohol. Also, going on the computer and talking to people, Mum let me have a glass of champagne and we both shared a tin of quality street, my brother having gone out for the night. That’s all I have to say really lol.

1/1/11

It’s a new day, it’s a new dollar…I say day; it’s a new year, it’s a new…ah, forget it. Anyway, Happy New Year! this will probably be the last post I post sadly, this is the due date that I decided to go on until, but fear not, I have good news, my mum has booked a Dr’s appointment for next Wednesday (its Friday today), she wants to get me referred to a clinic called Tavistock and Portman in a certain city where they will hopefully start me on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) to make me more feminine, since I am not on the other side of puberty yet the hormones they give me should be more effective and reverse more of my bad male physical changes  than if I had finished puberty. Anyway, it has been great, I don’t know when I will upload this but it might be a week from now or more, I'm going back to school soon and that is going to fill up my time. So I'm going to finish up now and say goodbye. So, for the final time, this is Emily Kauber signing out.