I woke up earlier than I normally do. It was the day before I moved to my new boarding school. I had set my heart on boarding my entire school life, my older brother and sister had both attended single sex boarding schools. Jacob, my older brother who was 6 years older than I, attended an all boys boarding school from the age of 11 in Bedfordshire. Sophie, who was 3 years older than myself, attended an all girls boarding school in Staffordshire, she too started boarding at the age of 11.

Today was the day when I got my hands on my uniform, packed everything, and headed north. I had managed to get a place in the same school as my brother, who was continuing his education in their sixth form college and would be boarding also. Jacob was already at the school, and I was probably hardly going to bump into him, but even so, I felt more comfortable leaving my parents than I probably would have been if I had not been joining the same school.

I know it may seem weird to leave getting my uniform to the last day, but that was just the way it was. It was more a case of making sure that everything was the correct size. The school courier out the uniform themselves, and send one of everything based upon measurements provided by the parents of prospective students. I heard a knock on the door, I didn’t bother rushing downstairs, as I knew my mother was more excited about uniform than I was.

Moments later, my bedroom door was opened by my Mother pushing a fairly large cardboard box against the door, on top of the box was a shoebox. I thought it was a little weird that she had bought more shoes, considering that only a week before I had spent hours being dragged around by Sophie and Mum whilst they did all their shopping after I had got my new pair of black slip on shoes, perfect for any young man attending a decent boarding school.

My mother left me with the box in front of my bed, I was grabbing clothes and packing them into a suitcase and grunted as she asked me to get the uniform on as she wanted to see what it looked like on me. I finished packing a couple of shirts that I had for casual wear and went to the box. The blazer was the first thing I saw, it was Blue with Red trim as opposed to the colour of Jack’s blazer which was Black. I shouted to my mother, asking why I had the wrong colour blazer, but got no reply.

I turned the box upside down and let everything fall onto my bed. I jumped back a little, mainly in shock. What on earth was this! It must have been some kind of joke. Surely.

“MUM! Are you having a laugh?”, I shouted out of my bedroom door.

I had no reply. Her request for me to try the uniform confused me greatly. Did she know what was in the box? Was this planned? I was certainly far from the manliest of boys, there were certainly more burly guys my age, even for a kid. But even still, why did I have girls uniform on my bed?

I looked down at the school kit on my bed. There was a Navy skirt, a long sleeve and a short sleeved blouse, a Navy blue jumper, a games skirt, a couple of polo shirts, a lilac games shirt, a pair of long blue socks and a pair of black tights.

The uniform was identical to Sophie’s. I assumed that there was a mistake and that my dearest mother had brought me the wrong box for a joke. I left the clothes out on my bed and continued to pack everything that I needed for my actual boarding school. Hoping for my uniform to arrive.

A couple of hours later, my mother left the house to go into town for some shopping. I was left home alone. I had packed everything I needed, and spent at least an hour browsing the internet aimlessly. I was rather bored. I left my room, catching a glimpse of the girls clothes still strewn across my bed. I shrugged and headed to the kitchen to grab what ever junk food I could.

Upon returning to my bedroom a wave of curiosity came over me. Here I was, home alone, with a load of girls clothes on my bed. Mother had told me to put the uniform on. Could she have actually meant to put the girls uniform on? I didn’t know if it even fitted. I took my hoodie off and tried the blazer on for fit. To my surprise it was the perfect of fits, I couldn’t quite fathom if it was just a coincidence that it could be that my sister was the exact same size as me when she was the same age.

After a few minutes of being sat in the blazer, at my desk I gave in. I stripped to my boxers and put on one of the short sleeved blouses, the navy school skirt, the navy jumper and looked at myself in the mirror in the hallway opposite my bedroom door. What looked back was just a young girl in her new uniform with short hair. I was absolutely shocked. How did I end up like this?

That was how it all started. After looking at myself in the mirror on that very first day of dressing as a girl I tried on the long blue socks and put on the shoes that mother brought with her earlier in the day. The look was complete, apart from my hair. It didn’t excite me, just caused a lot of confusion.

I sat in my room in the uniform waiting for my mother to return. When she did she entered my room. I didn’t bother looking at her.

“Oh my, look adorable” she said, her arms wrapped around me, “I’m so glad it all fits you!”

“What do you mean? You’re glad?”, I asked.

“Well, we are sending you off to school with your sister. We think it will be better for you”, she explained.

I never really got chance to argue. That was 4 years ago now. I have just returned home after my 3rd year at the all girls boarding school. I am one of the most respected girls in the school. And yes, I do mean girl. I am a girl. I may have been born a boy, but I am much better suited to being a girl.

I was 14 years old when the biggest changes to me happened. I remember it like it was yesterday. How could any girl forget? It all started just a week after I got back from boarding school. I was 3 years into my journey as Hannah. I found a note in an old shoebox full of things from my teenage years, I guess this is what really triggered me to write my story down.

“Hi future me!

I’ve just had the most amazing summer EVER. I met some incredible people, Rob being one of them! I worked hard, most days in a restaurant. Do you remember it?

If you find this in a few years time, don’t forget what happened!


H x

ps. I’m going on my 3rd date with Rob tonight ;)”

Well, Rob became my lover for many years, but there is more to the story than that. So we will leave it at that for the moment.

So, a week into being home from boarding school and I was getting bored out of my mind. The sun was really beating down and all I did was lounge around in the garden in a bikini that Sophie had handed down to me. It was very ill-fitting, the reason behind that was because my parents had never started me on hormones as such, but I had been on testosterone blockers for the past 2 years in a bid to slow down puberty without making too much permanent damage, just in case I changed my mind.

I had finished my 3rd year of boarding school with more friends than I ever had in primary school, I was better behaved and I felt comfortable in my skin & clothes. Don’t get me wrong, the first time I wore a longish vest top, leggings and some ugg boots (a present from my parents after coming home from the first year of boarding) I felt pretty much naked and scared that people from my old school would recognise me. But within a couple of weeks of being Hannah around my home town I soon felt comfortable.

Back to when I was 14. My family had accepted me as Hannah, and although they always said “you can always change your mind” we all knew by then that it would not be happening. I was Hannah, and I would remain Hannah for a very long time. After lounging around for the second weekend of being home my Mother had decided enough was enough.

“It’s time you found yourself a job young lady. You need to earn money, all these hand me down clothes are all well and good but you could do with some proper fitting things. How about we go do a bit of shopping and see if there are any waitressing jobs going at the same time?”, she asked.

I don’t think it was ever an option, if I am honest. My Mother was always a very authoritative figure, she had this way of asking questions that would get her the answer that she wanted. So I guessed that I was going to be finding a job in a restaurant or pub somewhere in town. I wasn’t wrong.

We had been in the shopping centre for around 30 minutes before Mother started looking at her watch, as if she had to be somewhere urgently.

“We need to get you to the salon”, she said.

“What do you mean? The salon? Why?”, I responded knowing exactly why we were going there.

I had no real style to my hair. It was just long hair with a side parting. Sometimes I wore it in a ponytail, but that was about it.

I never put a fight up, afterall, I was a 14 year old girl, and being pampered was something that I had talked about with the girls at school for months! I knew exactly how I wanted my hair, again, I had dreamed about it for ages.

I left the salon about an hour later, with the perfect haircut that I had wanted for the past year. I had hair that fell just below my shoulders when I walked into the salon. It was thick and straight. When I left the salon I felt like a princess. I had it layered, and had a fringe that if brushed over my eyes would end in line with the bridge of my nose. It was perfect. The fringe wasn’t meant to cover my face, far from it, I wanted the line of my parting to curve over my forehead. That was all. And it looked amazing. Mother never really commented much, she described me as her “beautiful princess” and left it at that.

We went around to a few shops, a bounce in my step compared to before. We went into one of the high street chains and looked around for some clothes. I wasn’t really sure what I was looking for if I am honest, Mother was leading the way with this. She pointed out a few things here and there but nothing really made me feel anything. I was a little nonchalant. Until I walked past a dress. It was on a manikin, and looked gorgeous.

The dress was coral in colour, and flared from the waist. The manikin had a white ¾ length sleeve cardigan on also. Mother saw the look on my face and knew that I wanted it. The horrible thing was she didn’t tell me anything at this point and just continued to walk past. We left that store with nothing and continued on to a few others. We bought a few essentials, some tights, strappy tops and the like but nothing that was past the basics.

I was feeling pretty bored by this point, that dress was something I really wanted, but couldn’t really see what I would wear it for. I just wanted to feel pretty. The denim skirt, leggings, ugg boots, t-shirt and hoodie were comfortable and I did feel pretty, but just not the same kind of pretty. If that makes sense. Mother could see we were going to get nowhere and decided that we should go and get some lunch in one of the many restaurants just outside the main shopping area of the town.

My favourite place to eat as a kid was a family run pub, called “The Monks Rest”. It was a traditional pub in every sense of the word. In the winter the fire would be roaring and that smell of burning wood filled the air, in the summer the beer garden was perfect to have a lunch. Even as a kid I loved the atmosphere. As we walked through the door that familiar scent of real ale and real wood fire filled my nostrils, I guess nostalgia had kicked in. Mother and I took a seat in the beer garden and ordered our lunches. We chatted about all sorts of things, and giggled about how cute the waiter was.

Before we knew it over an hour had passed, and we had hardly got any outfits for me to wear. Let alone a job. As we headed out of the pub I noticed a sign. It simply read “Staff wanted. Waiting staff required for lunch, evening and weekend work. Would suit student. 14 years plus. Full training given. Apply within”. I left my mobile number and name with the cute waiter who mother and I had shared a few giggles over just a few minutes earlier and headed out.

“Well, perhaps we should find you something suitable to wear for working in a pub or restaurant. Seen as that is what the whole point of coming into town was”, mother said. All I could do was nod.

For the rest of the trip we bought a few skirts and a couple of pairs of trousers, in black, a couple of black ¾ length sleeve shirts and also a black cardigan. It felt like I was preparing for a funeral. And trying on just black was quite depressing, it made putting on the navy hoodie & skirt seem like I was wearing the brightest outfit you could possibly wear.

I never expected to get the first job I applied for, as a 14 year old, who would? Mother and I split up for a bit, she suggested I looked for some work on my own and that we meet up in 30 minutes time. Before she left she gave me £70 and said that if I found something I wanted that I should get it with that, but not to buy any more clothes. So off I went.

I wandered aimlessly around the centre of town for 10 minutes or so, looking in every shop window for job adverts, it felt pointless. Most places had their staffing for the summer. I stood outside of La Senza and stared at the bras inside for a good 5 minutes, there was no point in going in, I had a flat chest, I looked like a very tall 9 year old.

I didn’t buy anything with the £70 I was given, and offered it back to my mother who said she would load it onto a VISA PrePay card and that I could use it to buy whatever I wanted with it online, if I so wished.