I guess you’re all wondering why I’m still here. What did the pussy chicken out? No, I never even got a chance to make a run at the wall. I drove to the strip, and made my way to the end of the track near the sand pits* like I’d planned. The one thing I hadn’t planned on was running over a screw while driving thru the pits.

I went to do a burn out to get some heat in the tires so I could really get some traction when I made my pass at the wall, when I heard a thumping sound. I shut the engine off and got out to find out what was up, when I saw that I had a flat tire. All I could do was sit there and cry. I climbed up on my hood, putting my feet up on the super stock hood scoop there, and just sat back looking at the sky. My mind drifted to my mom.

I thought of how she looked at me the last time I was home. It was as if I were a dying child and she was losing me. The pity in her eyes showed even though she never said a word. I could just tell that she wanted to just hold me a cry, but she always showed that tough exterior I’ve grown up with and just tried to act like nothing was wrong. But I know mom, she was being eaten up inside with grief. A kid knows how to read their mom.

Then there was Helen. I know she wants to be there for me, but she’s the head of my dorm. I know they told us that the RHC’s are there for the students when we are having rough times, but it’s as if I have a second mom. She had a similar look in her eyes that mom did, but there was something more there. It’s almost as if she knows what I’m going through. I don’t know what to think anymore. I just want this all to be over.

I started to wonder why god had done this to me. I mean isn’t it enough that he took my father from me before I was even born? Now I was a target for ridicule and made fun of for being a freak where ever I went.

"Why can’t you let me die!?" I screamed at the sky, with tears rolling down my face. Then I heard a female voice calling out.

"Over here. I see him!"

I looked and saw Helen and Stacy running toward me in a dead sprint. They both got to me and grabbed me, pulling me into a hug sandwich that almost squeezed all the air out of my body.

"Thank god we got to you in time Rob." Helen said as she hugged me tight. "I found your note, and got here as fast as I could. Thank god you didn’t go thru with it."

"I got a flat tire." I told her sheepishly, pointing to the flat slick at the back of my car.

"It’s a sign from the gods." Stacy piped in. "It mean’s it’s not your time."

"Yea..." I said sarcastically back to her and faked a smile. "Lucky me."

"Don’t talk like that!" Helen told me as she grabbed both my shoulders, and looked me in the eyes with a serious, and cold stare. "You almost gave me a heart attach. I know you’re going thru some troubling times, but you need to know that there are still people who care about you."

"I know. Like my mom who is going out of her mind, and... um... oh yeah, that’s right, my mom. No wait, I already said her." I shot back with a scowl on my face. "She’ll have less to worry about with me gone."

"You really are ignorant you know that." Helen started as she shook me. "You don’t fucking get it. You’re not the first person on the planet to change from a man to a woman."

"Yeah, but you know fuck all about what I’m going through." I said back as the tears of frustration started to flow.

"Neither did I." she said back. "I never asked to become a woman either, yet here I am. You see, you and I aren’t all that different. Granted you’re changing because of that accident in the lab, and I changed because of an accident on my dad’s farm. But can you imagine waking up in the hospital, knowing you went in as a boy, and find out you’re now a woman?"

I just looked at her in shock. "I don’t understand."

"I was born a boy too. But an accident on my dad’s farm caused my genitals to get ripped off my body. They couldn’t put them back on, so my parents made the choice to have the doctors turn me into a girl. It was either that or live life as a male without the part of my body that makes me one. I was only about 15 at the time, but with hormone therapy I was able to mature into a normal looking woman." she said with a tear in her eye. "So you aren’t the Lone Ranger on this one Rob."

"Ok, so I’m not the first person to go thru this." I said sobbing. "I’m still alone in my life. My mom is half way across the country my long time girlfriend dumped me for my best friend and all I catch is shit from people who just want to either see the freak or beat my ass because of all this." I said as I started to cry through my still swollen black eyes.

"I’ll be your friend." Stacy told me as she put her hand on my shoulder.

"I don’t want any pity." I said back to her.

"No, I mean it. I’ve always thought you were cute. Even back when you first moved into the building. I was kind of heart broken when I learned you had a girlfriend." she said with a tender smile.

"Well that’s all changed. She said she couldn’t handle a boyfriend who’s tits were as big as hers."

"Her loss. I saw how you used to treat everyone around you. I remember when you beat the shit out of a group of guys for picking on that one girl in the dining hall."

"Oh yeah, I remember that. They were giving her a hard time, taking her glasses and books." I started to giggle. "It really felt good to help her out." I said, then thought to myself. ‘Wait a minute? Did I just giggle? What the hell is that about?’

"You were her avenging angle. The way you stood up for her. Did you even know her before then?" Stacy asked me.

"Um, no, I had no idea who she was, other then a girl in trouble."

"She’s my kid sister. She was visiting from home, and you’re all she talks about now." Stacy told me with a smile. "You’re her hero... and mine." she said as she kisses my cheek.

"See, there are people who care about you. You just have to give them a chance to do it." Helen chimed in.

"But that still doesn’t make up for the fact that my girlfriend left me for my now former life long friend." I shot back again. "Hell, I’ll never have another girlfriend. I mean, who would want me now?"

I watched as Helen pointed at Stacy, who as I turned around to look at, had her hand in the air, and was pointing to herself.

"What? You mean you aren’t freaked out by this?" I asked in shock.

"No, like I said, I like the person inside, so what’s outside doesn’t matter." she said with a smile.

"But how could I possibly uh... well you know? Do those things a person normally does with a girlfriend." I asked with a blush.

"It’s simple silly. There are ways around any problem." she said with a wink.

"And then you’ll leave me when I don’t have Mr. Happy any more."

"Um, you remember that little presentation that I had put together a while back for the dorm?" she asked me.

"Yeah, it was introducing the new students to the Rainbow Union."

"Ok, and what is the Rainbow Union?" she asked trying to hold back a smile.

"Um the Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual, and Trans-Gender alliance on campus."

"Right, and why is it do you think I chose that topic for my night?"

"No clue." I said with a shrug.

"Because I’m Bi, and I’m a member you nut." she said with a smile.

"Okay, and..." I started to say, when it hit me what she was getting at. "OH! So you mean...."

"Bingo. I will make you this promise." she told me as she looked me in the eyes. "No matter what happens. I’ll be here for you. I’ll be your shoulder to cry on, and the arms to hug you." Stacy told me, just before she kissed me again on the cheek.

"And the same goes for me." Helen chimed in and hugged us both. "Now come on, let’s get your tire changed."

"Can’t, I don’t have a spare." I said with a shrug.

"Well, let’s see if the spare off my truck will at least get you to the parts store alright?" she offered

We had the tire changed in a couple minutes. Lucky for me Helen drives a Dodge truck. I let Stacy drive to the parts store where we got my tire fixed, then back to campus. I was told that I had to go to counseling because of what I tried to do. The school shrink was pissed that Doctor Smith hadn’t told her sooner about what I was going thru. She told me that most people who go thru what I’m going thru, usually spend years in therapy BEFORE they even start their transition. It’s used to get their mind right, and ready for the hardship they might face from friends and family that may reject them now that they are choosing to change the outer packaging, even though they are usually the same person on the inside. I found out that what I did was a normal reaction to what has been going on in my life. Granted it’s usually not the wisest choice to make, ending your own life, but it’s understandable how someone can crack under the strain of being raped, and harassed.

I’ve been going to her now for two months. I’ve even stayed on campus this summer to help with orientation of the new students. Stacy and I have been staying in the dorm and we’ve gotten REALLY close if you catch my drift. The last check with Doctor Smith was that I am now completely a double x, and my body shows it too. I’ll never forget the look on Stacy’s face when she first saw my cute new parts. Of course she’s shown me new ways since then to shock and awe her.

As for Matt and Kelly, well they both are out on bail after having been arrested. It seems that the guy who raped me wasn’t the guy who was doing the rapes on the other campuses. They found the guy from footage off security cameras that shoot the quad around campus. The guy sang like a bird about how Matt had paid him to rough me up when he learned from another friend that I’d be at the rugby party. Then the night they arrested Matt, they caught both he and Kelly throwing those cream filled condoms at my door again. Helen had a camera installed in the hall of my suite, and there they were right on camera. What I found out was that since I am going through what I’m going through, what they did is considered a hate crime in this state. So that means it’s a class A felony. I hate to see it happen to two people who I’ve shared so much with, but I can’t say they aren’t getting what they deserve for what they’ve put me through over the past semester. I wish them all no ill will, but I guess this is all a part of karma giving them a nice bitch slap on my behalf.

I’ve found out that even though my body may be different now. I can still live out my dreams. I mean, I have a great girlfriend, and my grades are still good. I’m now one step closer to my degree in Motorsports Engineering. And with Stacy right there by my side, how can I go wrong. I mean don’t get me wrong, she and I fight. What couple doesn’t, but the one thing we both know. Is that we both care deeply about one another. And really, in this world, if you can find just one person who believes in you, and cares about you, you’re a blessed person. I have 3, and you can’t have mine.

I’ve got to go for now. Mom’s coming down to take Stacy and I shopping. Wow, my first shopping trip with her as her daughter. Go figure right?

That’s all for now.

Roberta Hanczyk