Kelly's Journey by Stanman63

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Kelly's Journey Chapter 17-Beyond Despair
By Stanman63
Edited By Nora Adrienne with Special Thanks To Terry Naut and JennaFL for Proofing and to Heather Rose Brown for the Illustration!
Synopsis:After Kelly's suicide attempt, she decides to continue without hope. Yet she soon finds her hope renewed and she starts to forgive.

* * *

DON'T YOU DARE DIE ON ME!!! I LOVE YOU!! WHY?! OH WHY DID YOU SUICIDE!!" she exclaimed as she gathered me up to give me the Heimlich maneuver. But I was past caring or able to respond even if I wanted; the death draught had done its work too well. ['What happened to cause her to despair of life?']

She tried for several minutes to revive me, but all she got as a reward for her herculean efforts was my losing the moonshine in a frothy mess of moonshine and bile that soaked into the carpet, ruining its fibers as the bile ate away into the padding which absorbed it before it could touch the hardwood floor. Her tears soaked my back as she cried over my plight, constantly calling me back in vain.

My chest was bruising up from her titanic lifesaving attempt and actually forced my body to breathe and restart my heartbeat from massaging my chest so vigorously. It also had the effect of me loosening my bowels as my innards released their contents. My leotard and tights contained some of it, but the stench over powered the smell of homemade cooking that had soaked into the room. What it didn't contain went onto Aunt Debbie

Then my grandparents came in and saw her abusing my frail form and the mess soaking her pants legs, "DEBBIE? WHAT'S WRONG WITH KELLY?" asked Granny as she dropped her tote bag of exotic chocolates which mixed up with the mints and hard candy kept by the door for Grandpa who enjoyed them in his after breakfast coffee, her one vice. ['Please LORD! Don't let her die!']

Grandpa went to get his shotgun over the mantle where it stayed until he went deer hunting to help cull the overpopulation of deer. He took the results to the local butcher who processed it into varied cuts of meat, sausage, bacon, souse, dog food, and leather. We have enjoyed the results and following Granny's instructions had made up a bunch of gifts of deer meat for my family and friends.

"SHE WENT OFF WITH THAT JOHNNY!! HE HURT HER! I'LL KILL HIM!!" he exclaimed as he wept bitter tears. But he couldn't even open it to load the shells because of his rage. ['I have failed Kelly. I will at least have the satisfaction of retribution when I shoot that Johnny for hurting her.']

Granny firmly took the shotgun out of his trembling hands and replaced it as he stood there, helplessly crying bitter tears of regret , "[sniff, sniff] Joe, [sniff, sniff] we need for you to be strong for Kelly. [sniff, sniff] She still lives,[sniff, sniff] but barely. [Sniff, sniff] Please go get the truck ready while we tend to Kelly." [Sniff, sniff] Granny wept as she admonished Grandpa. ['I have to believe that there's a chance as long as she lives.']

He hugged her in gratitude for something positive to do to help, "Very well, [sigh] getting her to the hospital is more important than killing Johnny for his actions." ['But as soon as I can, I will make that boy pay for hurting my granddaughter.']

* * *

Mark entered the office and waited as Father Downing finished his conversation with a man in a clerical collar. "Father Downing, we NEVER saw this side of him. Where did we go wrong?" he asked. This Clergy was Anton Forrest, a Student Pastor from Samford University . He was the spitting image of a young Charlton Heston, even to the voice.

Father Downing placed a fatherly hand on his shoulder as he guided him to Mark, "Anton, Mark here was also duped even worse than you. He was selected to be his heir."

Anton shook Mark's proffered hand, "Yes, I know. Mark was to inherit his estate while I replaced him as pastor. But it didn't work out, that way, did it now?" he sighed.

Mark smiled, "Hello, Anton. No, his plans went awry when he went after Kelly, but she has paid a terrible price, too."

"What price did she pay?"

Mark turned to Father Downing, "I heard it back at the jail, and Kelly tried to commit suicide."

Father Downing brought his hands up to his mouth," MY GOD! WHY?!"

"Johnny took her up to a log cabin to have some time alone with her, but even though they had sex, he dumped her as that bastard pastor wanted him to."

Anton hung his head in shame, "Mark, I have always liked Kelly, and thought that his attitude was his point of view, not some religious dogma," he sighed.

Mark hugged him, Anton; she survived thanks to her Aunt Debbie and her grandparents. And Johnny is why that bastard is in jail, now, too."

"How do you know this?"

"Simple, Anton. I was there when Augustus took down his statement."

"OK, Mark, explain."

"When Johnny returned from the cabin, he went straight to the coach's office in order to settle the score. It was there that the coach dismissed the four players and sided with Johnny who thoroughly trounced them and their leader."

Anton looked at Mark with compassion, "Did he know about Kelly at the time?"

"No, he doesn't. They're on their way to the hospital right now," sighed Mark.

Father Downing shook his head, "All of this tragedy because of a demented man's hatred. If not for our Constable Sebastian's and his son's vigilance, the horror would continue."

Anton thought for a moment, did they conduct the interrogation in the mobile lockup van?"

"Yes, I still had a key to the church, and went to collect my stuff when I overheard the bastard pastor saying that he'd meet the others at the school to congratulate them on their misdeed and take care of business there."

Anton smiled at them, "For a pastor, he had a lot to learn after his fall. Many of his congregation was former members of the Tri-County United Methodist Church and their children. For all of his oratory, he had very little luck in attracting new members, so he did the only thing that he could. He opened up a business to keep his people ensnared."

Father Downing shook his head in disgust, "What he did was abominable! I could NEVER do what he did!"

Mark sighed, "Yes, by leading his congregation into building a private school where the children were taught the Alabama Education Curriculum as well as his dogma as opposed to that of the Church they loved, he actively corrupted the children, and our Lord detests those who hurt children."

Anton continued, "He followed the guidelines set out by the Methodist Church , but he put his anti- L.B.G.T. Spin in his sermons, subtly brainwashing the youth into becoming his army of bashers that went against the grain of their basic beliefs."

Father Downing got them all a stein of stout beer, "Normally, I do not engage in drinking until my Sunday dinner, but I need it, now!" ['I've NEVER heard of such hatred before Lord. Was he ever one of yours?']

"What is this?"

"THAT, Anton is beer from one of my parishioners. Made at home, why?"

"Father, normally, I don't drink, I can't hold my liquor," he replied, setting the glass down.

Father Downing smiled, "Then is at Peace, my friend. THIS beer has practically no alcohol, just a good head, and taste," he informed, taking a deep draught.

Anton and Mark followed suit and found the brew to be rich with flavor, "How is it made?" asked Anton.

"All that I know is that it is made similar to ginger ale, ginger beer, and sassafras tea. Something to do with filtering and carbonation."

Mark chuckled, "So, this is pretty much a soda, eh?"

"Pretty much. I never acquired the taste for spirits, except for wine or champagne which I save for holidays."

Mark looked out into the parking lot, "Are you normally so busy at this time of the week?"

Anton sighed, "No, Mark. I am the reason."

"Why is that?"

"Those people in the auditorium are from my church."

"Your church?"

"Yes, mine. After all, he is now in jail."

"Then why bring them here?"

"Mark, you and I BOTH have broken from his control, but our brethren haven't. They still see him as a leader, and are looking for us. We must tell them the truth."

"You're unfortunately right. Until then, he can reclaim them. But we need help."

"Mark that is why they are here. Together, you and Anton can free them. Most are simply in shock, and need to be given a chance to be free."

"OK, Father. You go and get them ready, and then Anton and I can talk to them."

"Not quite yet, there," Downing smiled.

"What do you mean?" we asked.

"My wife, Sister Mary is currently speaking to them and breaking that male dominance dogma that they're under."

Anton shook his head," I guess that she has a gift of oratory, then. Because they believe in the women being second to the man. There are no single mothers living away from their family, not even single dads."

"Father Downing smiled, oh, she does. She can charm most anybody. In fact, she has helped to free others from his influence."

"Anton looked at him, "The Jessops Family?"

"Yes."

Then Sister Mary came into the office, "Excuse me. But they're ready for you now, Anton."

Anton stepped into the packed sanctuary, "Well, now to help them."

* * *

I saw a light up ahead and knew that I was entering Heaven, but I still felt dirty and used, I felt Johnny's seed inside of me and the pain of his penetrating me so thoroughly, "I'm coming to be with you daddy. I can not live anymore! Not after tonight, I am sorry that I have failed you and everybody, but after today, my life is not worth living."

Then I was in Heaven and Daddy swept me into his arms. All the times before, he had smiled, THIS time, he was crying. CRYING FOR ME! "OH Kelly my daughter, why did you have to end your life? It is nowhere near your time," his tears washed away my distress and anguish so that I could see and feel his wonderful love. I felt no judgment for what happened from him, only love.

"Daddy, oh how I wish that you could understand what I went through, but as a man, you can never understand what I went through with Johnny. Only a woman can. Only a woman betrayed after giving herself bodily to her man can."

Then I felt a PRESENCE behind me and daddy passed me over to the PRESENCE who easily gathered me into his arms and sat upon a convenient boulder, "I understand my child, as no one else can. I have felt the bitter sting of betrayal many times from my followers."

"JESUS! But YOU are not a girl like I am, are You? No forget that, I am not even a real girl," I asked as He sat me on His lap.

He smiled at my question. I could feel His good humor as He thought about the audacity of my question. Because I then remembered that there was no gender in Heaven, "True, I am not a girl like you or any other woman, but I do know what betrayal by a friend feels like. Remember Peter?"

"Yes, he denied you thrice, and you even told him that he would that night, yet you forgave him after you returned."

"Kelly, I do know your betrayal for your spirit called out to me in your distress. I felt your pain and despair, as well as your love for Johnny. Now I have a very hard question to ask you, don't worry you about disappointing me. Can you forgive Johnny for what he did even if he never returns to you?"

* * *

Then I saw my heart's light dimmed, yet glowing strong. The dimness was my hurt, concentrating on that hurt; I saw that it was my love for Johnny. It had been corrupted by my selfish need to have him regardless of the cost. Then I knew why I was here, to free both of us from the tyranny of selfish love, "Yes, even though he broke my heart, I want only the best for him. I still love him and he is still my friend, even if I don't feel the friendship anymore," I sighed as I gave voice to my feelings.

I saw tears start to flow down His cheeks, "Kelly, THAT is how I want ALL of MY Children to feel. For you have just now giving testimony to True Agape Love! And no Power can stand against it!"

* * *

Then I saw my heart bleed black tears as the darkness was destroyed and the purifying Agape Love replaced it until it bled red and the scars healed. Then my heart glowed golden and I knew that it was healed of its hurt for I felt no pain.

"Yes Kelly, by choosing as you did, you chose life over death and in doing so, you have overcome yet again."

Then I felt a change as I thought about how I had arrived, "Jesus, I have a question about my arrival. Am I forgiven for wanting to die? I did break a Rule when I killed myself. Some believe that suicide is unpardonable."

"Yes, you are forgiven, for your body still lives, even if you had succeeded, you would be forgiven. Currently, you are in a coma, you can choose to go back, or to stay here, in which case, your body may die."

"But Jesus!! It hurts so much! I don't want to live! THAT is why I chose to die!" I wailed as the pain returned a thousand fold.

Jesus hugged me as I soaked His robe, "I know Kelly, but right now, your family and friends are grieving, and your death will destroy their happiness. Do you want for them to suffer because of you?"

* * *

Then I saw how each one had been hurt by me, and I knew that it was in my power to end their suffering, and I was appalled to see how my death had ruined so many lives. I wept bitter tears as I saw the destruction that I could wreak by staying.

* * *

Johnny would NEVER become the national athlete he was destined to be; no, he became a drunkard and addict. To pay for his habit, he became an enforcer for a local drug dealer who had taken over the Woods Enterprise from Julie Woods after she sold both the business and estate. Johnny ended his life in a final act of heroism when he saved a child from being hit by a speeding truck. His last words were, "Kelly am I forgiven?"

* * *

Mister Woods tried to carry on, but he had lost the zest needed to truly run his company, so Mrs. Woods took over until she was killed by a robber who shot her as she opened the safe. Her last words were, "Go ahead and shoot me, then I'll go to Heaven, and leave this hell on Earth!" She had to have a closed casket service because the shot destroyed her face.

* * *

Mister Woods found the robber and killed him with his bare hands, Constable Sebastian found him standing over the body, blank faced. Mister Woods died in a psychiatric ward, never regaining lucidity until the end when he said, " Lynn , I am coming home to be with you in Heaven. I killed your murderer and I paid the price."

* * *

That left Julie to run the business, which she was not equipped to run, so she listened to Johnny and they sold everything to his drug dealer friend. She then became a missionary and lost her life when the missionary school was taken by rebels. Her last words were, "I now go to Heaven where I will meet my best friend Kelly. I am ready to die."

* * *

Momma went to live with Granny and Grandpa, but on the way, she went off the road into the lake, drowning in freezing winter water. She was listening to me singing "Daddy's Hands" from years ago.

* * *

Grandpa lost the use of his body when he went after Johnny with his shotgun. He missed, but a thug that was with Johnny broke Grandpa's neck, paralyzing him from the neck down. He lived only a few days after that when a blood clot hit his brain. He had a letter written before the accident that Granny read at his funeral.

Lizzie Jane:

I love you with my whole heart and am blessed to have raised two wonderful daughters and our adopted son. But after Kelly died, I lost my zest for life and went after Johnny for hurting her. I did not kill him, but was paralyzed instead. Now I go to heaven where Kelly is. May I be forgiven for my failure in protecting her?
Joe

Granny died after reading the letter saying, "No Beloved, you did not fail Kelly!" as her heart failed her.

* * *

Of them all, only Aunt Debbie lived on, but she became a bitter recluse who only saw Pastor Patrick who took her in as his housekeeper so she could retire and forget. She kept pictures of me in her room and before she died, she found a girl that looked like me and adopted her. Amazingly her name was Kelly Li, She was the daughter Chinese woman and American father. She inherited the Moore and Woods estates.

* * *

I looked over and saw Daddy weeping and went over and got in his lap where he hugged me as we both cried. Here I had actually brought grief to daddy in Heaven. How could I be so cruel? Then I felt in my heart the answer. Michael and Gabriel reverted to their angel forms, silent tears on their countenance as they looked at me, waiting for my answer.

I went over to Jesus, "I will return, even if I must live without hope. Because I can not let my friends and family suffer. This is my burden, NOT theirs to carry," I sighed in resignation. ['Will my hope be renewed, or must I live without any hope now.']

As Heaven receded, I heard JESUS saying, "My child, I heard your silent cry. Your act of Love shall be rewarded in time, your hope will be renewed," He exclaimed.

* * *

Mark entered the Rest Stop Chapel, auditorium and waited as Anton finished addressing the congregation from the bastard preacher's church. It was now his turn. Together, they were the leaders left after the jailing of the demented pastor.

Anton had gathered the congregation and brought them here to get the help of Father Dowling. He had a reputation among the truckers in the congregation as a very wise and understanding man. Even when under his influence, the congregation sensed the Truth and sought it out. Only their loyalty kept them under him and the contracts signed to keep the church afloat.

"People, you now have a choice. To continue to listen to the pastor's dogma and listen to his hatred, or turn away and repent of your earlier actions. What shall you do?"

From the audience came a voice, "What about this girl. Kelly? Is she an abomination as he says?"

"No, she is not. I have met her. She is a sweet, young woman who was wronged by him, many times."

"Was she not born as a male?"

"Yes, she was. But does not the Lord accept and love all? Or just a select few?"

"But she is distorting her body!"

"No, she is conforming her body to her true gender. If we enacted the rule about distorting the body, then we could never shave, cut our hair, nor pierce our ears."

The debate went on, but in the end, they decided to make the Road Side Chapel their new church home, little knowing the future and the reconciliation to come.

* * *

I woke up with a tube down my throat and an I.V. dripping into my arm. Aunt Debbie and my grandparents were there along with the Woods and momma, only Johnny was absent, "No, why did you save me? I have no hope!" ['Where is my hope that I was promised? How long must I wait?']

Momma held my hand, "We've read your letter. We LOVE you my precious daughter. Please don't go away. Please live! I don't know what I'd do without you in my life!" ['I gave her up so that she could grow into becoming herself, will she stay or go back?']

Julie took my other hand and washed it with her tears, " [sniff, sniff] you are my best [sniff, sniff] best friend, [sniff, sniff] and Soul Sister. Sniff, sniff] I need you to help me with my life because you are so wise. [Sniff, sniff] Will you stay?" ['How many girls have such a close tie as I do with her?']

Grandpa replaced Momma, "Kelly, [sniff, sniff] I love you girl! You have brought a breath of fresh air into my life with your presence. [Sniff, sniff] Now with you, [sniff, sniff] I have a chance to be a father once again. [Sniff, sniff] Stay and be my third daughter please, he sighed." ['I don't care if I catch Johnny as long as she lives, he can go on living. I know that she'd prefer that.']

Granny replaced Julie, "Kelly, [sigh] when you came to live with us, [sniff, sniff] your innocence and spirit renewed my heart. [Sigh] I began to see things with a new vigor as the lethargy of growing stale was replaced with a fresh spirit of vitality. [Sniff, sniff] Please don't go away, [sigh] I need you to help me be young again. But if you do, don't die, but find a new place instead." ['Like Debbie, she now must choose.']

Then Aunt Debbie stroked my hair, "Kelly, you are the Rose. You are now going through your winter. Love has cut you, and now your heart is bleeding. Let your soul be renewed and blossom into a spring of new hope. I know the pain. I too am a Rose." ['Lord, you are the sweetest Rose Of Sharon, but Kelly needs you to heal her.']

Then I saw bouquets of roses of all colors surrounding the bed, directly at the foot of my bed was a portrait of me wearing a rose dress, sitting on a rock by a rose bush. The portrait was framed by roses, the caption under the frame read: "KELLY LEE MORE-THE LIVING ROSE" Then I smiled, "OK." and held up both thumbs until they saw them, then I went back to sleep.

* * *

In the Chapel, Pastor Patrick consoled everybody. He led them into the meeting room behind the pulpit where he and other Men and Women of The Cloth would meet with the patient's family. "Well, I never thought that I'd be consoling you on this, [sigh] I always thought that Kelly was stronger than this," he sighed. [Oh Kelly my child!! Whatever happened to cause you to despair of life?']

Momma passed him my letter, "This is something that only women can truly understand. I am sorry Pastor Patrick, but both you and Charlie can never know what its like to be a woman and give yourself to your beloved or have that love betrayed by the man you love," ['I know how you feel Kelly, and the joy of that love being renewed.']

He read the letter and exclaimed, "MY GOD! NO WONDER SHE DESPAIRED! WHERE IN THE HELL IS JOHNNY!?" ['My Lord. Why did he hurt her? Why did it happen? Is it MY fault for not teaching them better?']

Julie began to cry, "[sniff, sniff] unfortunately, [sniff, sniff] he is at a football camp. [Sniff, sniff] He left as soon as he got his duffel bag. [Sniff, sniff] If I'd seen his face instead of watching him drive off, [sniff, sniff] I could have stopped him, [sniff, sniff] she fumed. [Johnny, you HURT MY SISTER! WHY JOHNNY!! WHY?!']

Mrs. Woods held her trembling hand until her anger passed, "No Julie, [sigh] by that time, Kelly had attempted suicide. Debbie called here by the time that Johnny pulled out and we returned from the movies. Julie, even if you had stopped him, Kelly would still be here suffering. Let's hope that he is taking care of why he hurt her," she replied. [Chuck and I feel terrible for not stopping this.']

Momma held her other hand, "I too blame myself for this tragedy. As her mother, it is MY responsibility, but how could I have known what Johnny would do?" even today, I still love him." ['Both are hurting, but only Kelly has despaired of life. will he make a stand or let others destroy him with their hatred? ']

Mister Woods stood up and faced everybody, his face a mask of anguish and pain. Tears flowed freely as he clenched his fists in helpless fury, "THIS IS ALL DUE THAT BASTARD PREACHER AND HIS GOSPEL OF HATE. I THOUGHT THAT HE HAD BEEN STOPPED, BUT HE CONTINUES TO SPREAD HIS FILTH. I DEDICATE MY LIFE TO HIS DEFEAT. [SIGH] UNTIL HE IS CAUGHT AND TRIED FOR HIS CRIMES I CAN NOT LIVE," he said with earnest conviction. ['Kelly, you are here because I failed in protecting you from harm. NOW my life is forfeit.']

Mrs. Woods went, stood by him, clasping his fists in her soft, yet firmly strong hands, "Yes Charles, neither can I know peace. I will use all of our resources to find him, even if we go bankrupt. We owe it to our Godchild. HE WILL RUE THE DAY THAT HE HURT US OR KELLY." she said with a voice as cold as winter. ['He will find that a woman's scorn is truly like no other HELL.']

Julie hugged Momma, "Momma Moore, Kelly fought for me and paid the price. She suffered for me and it cost her innocence and almost became bitter with hatred. Now she is paying again for defying that bastard! Will she become bitter now? If you need me for anything, let me know, OK?" ['I can at least comfort her momma.']

Momma hugged her back and cried tears of release, "OK Julie." ['She has reminded me of Kelly's gift of love.']

* * *

Then Constable Sebastian entered with Johnny, who was wearing his football uniform, but it was in tatters and there was blood on his hands, he led Johnny over to his astonished sister where he sat down and sheepishly smiled at her.

"I don't think that you'll need to worry about him anymore thanks to Johnny here. Especially after what this young bull did, "he grinned with wry amusement. ['I knew that he'd be stopped when he went too far.']

Mister Woods looked at his son and smiled when he saw the way that he held himself like a soldier back from a battle, "Son, have you done something to break the law?" he asked with a smug grin. ['Sebastian wouldn't be so smug if he thought that my son was in trouble. Now what DID he do?']

Johnny visibly stood taller as he saw his father's approval, "Dad that bastard preacher and his ilk are not going to bother us anymore. My only regret is NOT doing it earlier," he sighed as he admitted his greatest mistake. ['For you Kelly, even though I destroyed our love, I did it for you. I hope that I may earn your forgiveness one day.']

Julie led him over to her seat and when he sat down, climbed into his lap, briefly showing her pink roses panty before she adjusted her skirt, OK bro, did you trounce them like Kelly did when they took me?" ['I've NEVER seen him so tense! I have to get this tension out of him or he will have nightmares.']

He smiled at her and patted her nylon clad knee, appreciating again her love of sheer to waist hose, he secretly enjoyed helping her with her cheer routines because in helping her, her fantasized that she was me, "Yes, I thoroughly trounced him AND his followers here at the school when they were partying over what they got me to do to Kelly," he stated as he hung his head in shame. ['But it was too late! I hurt my best friend and lover after our time of passion. I must make amends somehow.']

Mrs. Woods lifted his head by cupping his chin. Well my son, we know that you trounced them, but not why. And just WHY did you trounce them? Did they deserve it?" ['He needs to know that we support what he did.']

He looked at her with hope renewed in his eyes as he saw her love shining through her anguish to embrace his tortured soul, "Oh YES mom! I am sorry that Kelly's attacking them didn't do the job the first time! No, I do not blame her! THEY DESERVE MORE THAN I DID TO THEM!!" he exclaimed. ['Sorry Kelly for letting you down.']

Momma cleared her throat, "OK Johnny, tell us what happened! We need to know why you hurt my daughter and I need to know if I can still call you son," ['I must be firm with him, he hurt my daughter.']

* * *

"I stalked silently up to the door, ready to resign from the Athletic Program. I knew that dad had a college fund set aside for me, playing was for fun, especially when Kelly was on the team. But they had made it a burden, I had continued at the Coach's request after Kelly left, now I couldn't do it anymore. Then I heard their voices and HE was sitting with his back to me with his followers, two on each side.

"Oh come now coach, relax. Face it, these boys did you a favor by having that fag lover Johnny drop that abomination Kelly after it had the good grace to leave so as not to corrupt anymore," he laughed evilly.

I heard a chair being pushed back, "Johnny AND Kelly were the best athletes the school ever had! Your four wimps have not proven to be anything special. They're on the team only because they've yet to quit. Now that you have revealed yourself, I'm dropping them!" He said with conviction.

"Oh no you won't, they are staying on the team and you are dropping Johnny, and I will tell you why. L will simply have you fired for abuse of your power as a coach. Then you will find that no one will hire you. Can you afford that for your family, especially THAT daughter of yours?"

The coach chuckled with confidence, "Sorry Linden, but that will NEVER work. Because I am simply enacting the school policy on bullying that was voted in a year ago. They bullied Johnny into hurting Kelly. And as for my family, touch them and I WILL MAKE YOU PAY!"

His goons shuffled their feet nervously as they contemplated their fate and loss of scholarship, "Oh? Then prove it or drop this bluff. And I won't need to go after your daughter, if you do as I say that is."

Then I turned him around and punched him in the mouth just as he was about to protest, "BASTARD! I HEARD IT ALL!! YOU HURT MY SISTER! I HURT KELLY MY BELOVED BECAUSE OF YOU!! NOW I WILL HURT YOU!! AND NOTHING THAT YOU ARE THEY WILL STOP ME FROM CARRYING OUT MY VENGEANCE!"

Then I heard the coach shout," JOHNNY!! DEFEND YOURSELF SON!" as two of the students turned to attack him.

Then I saw red. I forgot all thoughts of fair play that I had been taught as I broke their bones, and twisted their bodies with special thrusts into pressure points as I gloried in my attack,[sniff, sniff] I became a monster! [Sniff, sniff] It was only when they had stopped moving and lay still moaning in pain did I regain control," he wept tears of grief. ['I am no better than they are. I deserve prison.']

* * *

Mister Woods clasped his sons shoulder to show his support and love, "Oh Jonathan, my son, you've done what I wanted to do to them, but I might not have stopped," he sighed. ['Why must that bastard continue to hurt my family? Is his evil finally truly over? Or will her return to inflict his evil upon us again? Please Lord, let it be over before one of us dies in this senseless war that he has declared.']

Johnny hung his head in shame of his dad's love that he felt unworthy of receiving, "But dad! [Sniff, sniff] I broke the law! [Sniff, sniff] Worst of all, I gloried in my power! I set myself up as a god of vengeance and reveled in their distress. I am a monster, he wept as he admitted the truth. ['Can I be redeemed?']

Then Julie hauled back and landed a slap on Johnny's cheek that rocked him back. When he looked at her, he saw a fire dangerous to kindle in her eyes. She was crying silent tears that ran unashamedly down her cheeks.

[Sniff, sniff] "DON"T YOU DARE BELIEVE THAT BULLSHIT JOHNNY BRO! [Sniff, sniff] THEY HURT YOU! [Sniff, sniff] THEY HURT KELLY! [Sniff, sniff] THEY 'RAPED' ME! [Sniff, sniff] Oh my brother, [sigh] you were there for my ordeal, [sniff, and sniff] I am here for yours, sniffs, and sniffs]," she cried as she soothed his bruised cheek. ['They've BOTH been cruelly hurt in attacking that fiend. May his evil now be ended.']

Then he turned to Pastor Patrick in hopes of redemption, [sniff, sniff] "Sir, [sniff, sniff] has GOD forgiven me? Right now, [sniff, sniff] after hurting my beloved Kelly, [sniff, sniff] and my attack on the fiends, [sniff, sniff] I do not know where I am with Jesus,"[sigh]" he asked with tears flooding his eyes. ['I am so tired, I need to rest.']

Momma and Mrs. Woods hugged Johnny as Pastor Patrick replied with firm conviction, "Yes son, HE wants for you to forgive yourself," he said with tears in his eyes. ['Even now, he like Kelly is so childlike about so many things.']

Then Johnny wept freely as he let go of his anguish and his heart was healed of its turmoil. When he looked up, he saw that Julie's top was thoroughly soaked, her bra clearly showing through, "Sorry Sis, for soaking your top. Good thing that we always carry spares in the trunk, I guess we both need to change clothes, huh?" [MAN! she is so beautiful! Some guy will be very lucky when she accepts his proposal!']

She smiled and gently caressed his bruised face, "OK bro, let's get changed. I didn't mean to slap you that hard, but I had to get your attention you stubborn mule." ['Only Kelly or I could ever get away with slapping him.']

Mrs. Woods passed a denim tote bag to Johnny, "There's a change in there for both of you, and what you need to wash up too," she grinned. ['If we hadn't started keeping spares for them, our children would be wearing dirty clothes after their games.']

Johnny carried Julie to the restroom and covered her with the tote bag to preserve her modesty. She came out of the women's in her red flannel shirt and matching panty and socks, red hose and shorts, then headed towards her parents while Johnny came out of the men's wearing his gray sweats and loafers.

* * *

I woke up and saw Johnny holding my hand, "Morning Kelly. [Sigh] I'm glad that you're alright. I never meant for this to happen." ['I could get use to waking up with her, but I burned that bridge and only she can restore it.']

I smiled in spite of our break up, "Yes Johnny, I'm alright. Although, truth to tell, I am surprised that you'd want to see me after the break up. I thought that we were through. ['Is he now regretting breaking up with me?']

He blushed, "I deserve that from you and so much more. As for our friendship, I can only hope that after they brought you in because of your nervous breakdown, that you can forgive me one day."

Then I sang 'Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.'

Johnny wept as he looked away, "I know Kelly, [sniff, sniff] I know! I TOO am hurt! PLEASE don't make it any harder on me!" ['LORD, how long must I suffer? Have I lost her as my best friend in what I did?']

I smiled and laid my hand on his, "I know that Johnny, I know that you still love me as I love you, but right now my heart is cold as stone and dead. I don't know if I will ever be able to love, ever again. Please understand," I sighed in resignation of the new reality. ['Oh how I WANT to love, but I can't.']

He ever so gently caressed my face, "Yes, I understand, I have taken care of my problem, the one that caused this to happen. I know that it is too late for us after my betrayal. But I hope that we can still be friends. If not, I will understand." ['She is still my Dream Girl, but I will give up that dream for her sake.']

I took his hand in both of mine and kissed it, sorrowing over the bandages on it, "Johnny, I am truly sorry that I have to say this, [sigh] even though I have forgiven you, our friendship is now no more. For I have no hope, and until hope is restored, my heart is dead, without hope, I can not feel," I sighed. ['Lord, I hate having to hurt him, but how can I pretend a friendship that I can not feel?']

He gently held my hands in his rough, meaty hands, "I know that you don't want to hurt me Kelly, But even though you say that you have no hope, is there a chance that you will hope again?" ['I can not let go of even the slimmest of hope. I have to believe that she will hope again! It would break me to know that she will never know hope.']

I gently placed my hand on the cheek that Julie had slapped, "Well Johnny, I guess that you had best hope that things get better. And there is a chance too. Because even though, right now, I don't know, if I will hope again, GOD told me not to give up hope," I smirked at my humor. ['I can't stay mad at him. It just isn't in my heart.']

Then he chuckled as he understood my wordplay, "Well, one thing is sure and certain, your sense of humor is still there. As long as you can joke and prank, your heart, even though silent, still remembers the good times and awaits their return."

Kelly's Journey
Chapter 17: Beyond Despair

By Stanman63

Edited By Nora Adrienne with Special Thanks To Terry Naut
and to Heather Rose Brown for the Illustration!

Synopsis:

After Kelly's suicide attempt, she decides to continue without hope. Yet she soon finds her hope renewed and she forgives.

Granny firmly took the shotgun out of his trembling hands and replaced it as he stood there, helplessly crying bitter tears of regret , "[sniff, sniff] Joe, [sniff, sniff] we need for you to be strong for Kelly. [sniff, sniff] She still lives,[sniff, sniff] but barely. [sniff, sniff] Please go get the truck ready while we tend to Kelly." [sniff, sniff] Granny wept as she admonished Grandpa. ['I have to believe that there's a chance as long as she lives.']

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then I was in Heaven and daddy swept me into his arms. All the times before, he had smiled, THIS time, he was crying. CRYING FOR ME! "OH Kelly my daughter, why did you have to end your life? It is nowhere near your time," his tears washed away my distress and anguish so that I could see and feel his wonderful love. I felt no judgment for what happened from him, only love.

"JESUS! But YOU are not a girl like I am, are You? No forget that, I am not even a real girl," I asked as He sat me on His lap.

"Yes, he denied You thrice, and You even told him that he would that night, yet You forgave him after You returned."

"Kelly, I do know your betrayal for your spirit called out to me in your distress. I felt your pain and despair, as well as your love for Johnny. Now I have a very hard question to ask you, don't worry you about disappointing Me. Can you forgive Johnny for what he did even if he never returns to you?"

Then I saw my heart's light dimmed, yet glowing strong. The dimness was my hurt, concentrating on that hurt, I saw that it was my love for Johnny. It had been corrupted by my selfish need to have him regardless of the cost. Then I knew why I was here, to free both of us from the tyranny of selfish love, "Yes, even though he broke my heart, I want only the best for him. I still love him and he is still my friend, even if I don't feel the friendship anymore," I sighed as I gave voice to my feelings.

I saw tears start to flow down His cheeks, "Kelly, THAT is how I want ALL of MY Children to feel. For you have just now giving testimony to True Agape Love! And no Power can stand against it!"

Then I gave utterance to my new perspective, "Johnny, I love you and always will, but I can not and will not keep you against your will. If you return to me, we can then choose, but if you find another, I will still be your friend." Then I saw my heart bleed black tears as the darkness was destroyed and the purifying Agape Love replaced it until it bled red and the scars healed. Then my heart glowed golden and I knew that it was healed of its hurt for I felt no pain.

"Yes Kelly, by choosing as you did, you chose life over death and in doing so, you have overcome yet again."

"Yes, you are forgiven, for your body still lives, even if you had succeeded, you would be forgiven. Currently, you are in a coma, You can choose to go back, or to stay here, in which case, your body may die."

"But Jesus!! It hurts so much! I don't want to live! THAT is why I chose to die!" I wailed as the pain returned a thousand fold.

Jesus hugged me as I soaked His robe, "I know Kelly, but right now, your family and friends are grieving, and your death will destroy their happiness. Do you want for them to suffer because of you?"

Mister Woods found the robber and killed him with his bare hands, Constable Sebastian found him standing over the body, blank faced. Mister Woods died in a psychiatric ward, never regaining lucidity until the end when he said, "Lynn, I am coming home to be with you in Heaven. I killed your murderer and I paid the price."

Momma went to live with Granny and Grandpa, but on the way, she went off the road into the lake, drowning in freezing winter water. She was listening to me singing "Daddy's Hands" from years ago.

Lizzie Jane:

I love you with my whole heart and am Blessed to have raised two wonderful daughters and our adopted son. But after Kelly died, I lost my zest for life and went after Johnny for hurting her. I did not kill him, but was paralyzed instead. Now I go to heaven where Kelly is. May I be forgiven for my failure in protecting her.

Joe

Granny died after reading the letter saying, "No Beloved, you did not fail Kelly!" as her heart failed her.

I looked over and saw daddy weeping and went over and got in his lap where he hugged me as we both cried. Here I had actually brought grief to daddy in Heaven. How could I be so cruel? Then I felt in my heart the answer. Michael and Gabriel reverted to their angel forms, silent tears on their countenance as they looked at me, waiting for my answer.

As Heaven receded, I heard JESUS saying, "My child, I heard your silent cry. Your act of Love shall be rewarded in time, your hope will be renewed," He exclaimed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Julie took my other hand and washed it with her tears, " [sniff, sniff] You are my best [sniff, sniff] best friend, [sniff, sniff] and Soul Sister. sniff, sniff] I need you to help me with my life because you are so wise. [sniff, sniff] Will you stay?" ['How many girls have such a close tie as I do with her?']

Grandpa replaced momma, "Kelly, [sniff, sniff] I love you girl! You have brought a breath of fresh air into my life with your presence. [sniff, sniff] Now with you, [sniff, sniff] I have a chance to be a father once again. [sniff, sniff] Stay and be my third daughter please, he sighed." ['I don't care if I catch Johnny as long as she lives, he can go on living. I know that she'd prefer that.']

Granny replaced Julie, "Kelly, [sigh] when you came to live with us, [sniff, sniff] your innocence and spirit renewed my heart. [sigh] I began to see things with a new vigor as the lethargy of growing stale was replaced with a fresh spirit of vitality. [sniff, sniff] Please don't go away, [sigh] I need you to help me be young again. But if you do, don't die, but find a new place instead." ['Like Debbie, she now must choose.']

Then Aunt Debbie stroked my hair, "Kelly, you are the Rose. You are now going through your winter. Love has cut you, and now your heart is bleeding. Let your soul be renewed and blossom into a spring of new hope. I know the pain. I too am a Rose." ['Lord, You are the sweetest Rose Of Sharon, but Kelly needs You to heal her.']

~~~~~~

In the Chapel, Pastor Patrick consoled everybody. he led them into the meeting room behind the pulpit where he and other Men And Women of The Cloth would meet with the patients family. "Well, I never thought that I'd be consoling you on this, [sigh] I always thought that Kelly was stronger than this," he sighed. [Oh Kelly my child!! Whatever happened to cause you to despair of life?']

He read the letter and exclaimed, "MY GOD! NO WONDER SHE DESPAIRED! WHERE IN THE HELL IS JOHNNY!?" ['My Lord. Why did he hurt her? Why did it happen? Is it MY fault for not teaching them better?']

Julie began to cry, "[sniff, sniff] Unfortunately, [sniff, sniff] he is at a football camp. [sniff, sniff] He left as soon as he got his duffel bag. [sniff, sniff] If I'd seen his face instead of watching him drive off,[sniff, sniff] I could have stopped him, [sniff, sniff] she fumed. [Johnny, you HURT MY SISTER! WHY JOHNNY!! WHY?!']

Mrs. Woods went, stood by him, clasping his fists in her soft, yet firmly strong hands, "Yes Charles, neither can I know peace. I will use all of our resources to find him, even if we go bankrupt. We owe it to our Godchild. HE WILL RUE THE DAY THAT HE HURT US OR KELLY." she said with a voice as cold as winter.['He will find that a woman's scorn is truly like no other HELL.']

Julie hugged momma, "Momma Moore, Kelly fought for me and paid the price. She suffered for me and it cost her innocence and almost became bitter with hatred. Now she is paying again for defying that bastard! Will she become bitter now? If you need me for anything, let me know, OK?" ['I can at least comfort her momma.']

Momma hugged her back and cried tears of release, "OK Julie." ['She has reminded me of Kelly's gift of love.']

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh no you won't, they are staying on the team and you are dropping Johnny, and I will tell you why. l will simply have you fired for abuse of your power as a coach. Then you will find that no one will hire you. Can you afford that for your family, especially THAT daughter of yours?"

Then I heard the coach shout,"JOHNNY!! DEFEND YOURSELF SON!" as two of the students turned to attack him.

Then I saw red. I forgot all thoughts of fair play that I had been taught as I broke their bones, and twisted their bodies with special thrusts into pressure points as I gloried in my attack,[sniff, sniff] I became a monster! [sniff, sniff] It was only when they had stopped moving and lay still moaning in pain did I regain control," he wept tears of grief. ['I am no better than they are. I deserve prison.']

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny hung his head in shame of his dad's love that he felt unworthy of receiving, "But dad! [sniff, sniff] I broke the law! [sniff, sniff] Worst of all, I gloried in my power! I set myself up as a god of vengeance and reveled in their distress. I am a monster, he wept as he admitted the truth. ['Can I be redeemed?']

Then Julie hauled back and landed a slap on Johnny's cheek that rocked him back. When he looked at her, he saw a fire dangerous to kindle in her eyes. . She was crying silent tears that ran unashamedly down her cheeks.

[sniff, sniff] "DON"T YOU DARE BELIEVE THAT BULLSHIT JOHNNY BRO! [sniff, sniff] THEY HURT YOU! [sniff, sniff] THEY HURT KELLY! [sniff, sniff] THEY 'RAPED' ME! [sniff, sniff] Oh my brother, [sigh] you were there for my ordeal, [sniff, sniff] I am here for yours, sniff, sniff]," she cried as she soothed his bruised cheek. ['They've BOTH been cruelly hurt in attacking that fiend. May his evil now be ended.']

Then he turned to Pastor Patrick in hopes of redemption, [sniff, sniff] "Sir, [sniff, sniff] has GOD forgiven me? Right now,[sniff, sniff] after hurting my beloved Kelly,[sniff, sniff] and my attack on the fiends, [sniff, sniff] I do not know where I am with Jesus,"[sigh]" he asked with tears flooding his eyes. ['I am so tired, I need to rest.']

Johnny carried Julie to the restroom and covered her with the tote bag to preserve her modesty.

She came out of the women's in her red flannel shirt and matching panty and socks, red hose and shorts, then headed towards her parents while Johnny came out of the men's wearing his gray sweats and loafers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up and saw Johnny holding my hand, "Morning Kelly. [sigh] I'm glad that you're alright. I never meant for this to happen." ['I could get use to waking up with her, but I burned that bridge and only she can restore it.']

He blushed, "I deserve that from you and so much more. As for our friendship, I can only hope that after they brought you in because of your nervous breakdown, that you can forgive me one day."

Then I sang 'Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.'

He gently held my hands in his rough, meaty hands, " I know that you don't want to hurt me Kelly, But even though you say that you have no hope, is there a chance that you will hope again?" ['I can not let go of even the slimmest of hope. I have to believe that she will hope again! It would break me to know that she will never know hope.']

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